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The Artful Tango

John Gibson is a Sly Devil

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The Artful Tango

John Gibson is a Sly Devil

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O.K., so the good news is that FoxNews has pushed election coverage back a year. And now instead of one solid year of frenetic political madness, WE GET TWO!! Now, I don't know if everyone is as excited as we are here @ Absolute Prattle. But this completely thrills us. Most of us at the Prattle enjoy election years more than any other event. For one thing, it makes our job so much easier. Instead of watching endless hours upon hours of Fox and keeping our ears pricked for those notable moments to share with friends and loved ones, they will just be airing non stop for the next TWO YEARS...sometimes several in one segment. And our prediction is that the zany hijinks will increase with the anxiety level of FoxNews personalities and contributors. It'll hardly be working. We fear that we won't actually be able to keep up but that sure is better than being bored to death.

I know that Fox and Friends was very amusing this morning. We do read our e-mail and know many of you like to be updated on the highlights, but as I've said there is just so much going on that I have to really be picky about what to relay. I mean for the first time since we went online, there is actual stiff competition in the office.

Fans of the Prattle are well aware that the last election just sort of snuck up on everyone at Fox. A few days out they had no options but to convolute a little joke made by John Kerry and try to fool their viewers into thinking that Mark Foley, Republican Congressional Pedaphile was not actually a Republican at all nor were any Republicans involved in clandestine actions to hide his secret. Even the morons who watch Fox News (of which I am one)were insulted at the smack to their IQ.

But the truth is it wasn't entirely their fault. They really didn't see that big Whoop-Ass coming until it was way too late to go digging for major dirt and doing that magical Fox Trot in time to sway the election. They'd gotten used to coasting on the allegience that fear can sometimes engender or stolen elections, whichever.

I'm sure they consoled each other by promising to never again take their eyes off the ball.

They are out here Jan. 2007 with bells on, baby! And we can't be happier!!

Just like the joyous holiday season where the christian holiday of Christmas went from Dec 25th, all the way back to the day after Halloween and these days there is so much more of Christmas to enjoy (or be combative about if your name happens to be Bill O'Reilly).

So let me start with BOR last night, where the Factor pulled out a big gun named Ann Coulter. Who incidentally, hasn't been seen for some time and was supremely missed by all of us here at Absolute Prattle. Bill wanted her opinion on potential Republican candidates only. The hope can only be that he's saving her views on only Dems for another exciting segment and many more over the next TWO YEARS.

The first thing I MUST say, is that this segment was one of only two times that anyone here at Absolute Prattle has seen or heard Ann talk for over five minutes and actually refrain from saying the name of her #1 guy, Bill Clin-ton. But we're almost positive that the topic of him will resurface again and again and again as this seems to be a particular problem for Ann.

Ann gave the shout out to all the candidates that they must be conservative and bigotted enough to capture that crucial radical far right vote. She sniffed at Guiliani, scoffed at McCain almost accusing them to be Dems in Republican clothing, and finally settled on Mitt Romney as her current favorite as she patiently waits for the other horses in the race to increase their right of center positions.

Come to think of it, Mitt Romney was the Fox favorite of the day. Fox likes his conservative views and they are going to drag his questionable religion out into the light of day to alleviate the fears of nervous conservative voters. I even think Steve Doocy informed us all that Mitt only has one wife. You know, because we were wondering. Funny thing is I never knew Steve Doocy knew so dang much about the world's religions. He knows a radical far rr Baptist from a regular mildy bigotted Baptist. He knows a heck of alot about the harmlessness of the Mormon religion and can assure his mildly bigotted Baptist audience that Jesus would approve. Mitt Romney is one tough sell. I mean, under his name it says Former Governor MA (R) but really, why not just get it over with and put "We got nothin'".

I mean Rudy and Newt are both going to get eaten alive by their philandering. Really, Conservatives and Liberals alike are just starving for a new Patron Saint of Illicit Sexual Activity. And the truth is both Rudy and Newt have an entirely more sensational story than Bill ever did.

During a segment on The Big Story about the San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom cheating on his wife, John is wondering why the city of San Francisco hasn't stopped swinging long enough to throw that bastard out of office. Perhaps they may still be reeling from the revelation that Mayor Newsom is secretly straight.

During this segment he graphics department imposed pictures of Bill Clinton and what's-her-name and the other who's-that, which was just as interesting as watching paint dry. I'm not just talking about left of center people either. Naturally WE'RE bored being certifiably bawdy and crass by party affiliation, but those tired pictures of Bill Clinton went up on the screen and I could literally hear all of America snoring.

Also on John Gibson's show today, I've learned that John Gibson is one sly devil. During commentary of a speech that Hilary made he used the term "Capitalist Pigs". He used the term twice. Just slipped in there. I don't think Hilary actually said this. It may have been implied. It certainly wasn't aired leaving her actual lips. I mean Hilary was there, the Fox News Camera was there yet John Gibson (like everyone else at Fox) had to illuminate her comments for us. See? See how he did that? Gotta watch him. He's wiley.

While I always appreciate a person who is interested enough in my enjoyment to make a boring story more colorful through the use of insulting adjectives, must Fox always refer to the Karl Rove Handbook of Political Satan Slime? There's only so much Capitalist Pigs, NAMBLA and white politicians fathering little 1/2 black children to freak America out with.

Some things actually smell like Karl Rove. That's right Karl Rove is no longer a man, he's actually a smell.

Jeesh, bring back the body language lady if you need to tell us what everyone is really saying. Or better yet, would you sometimes just roll the tape? Some of us do actually still understand English?

Another thing that happened today on John Gibson's show. I saved it for last. And this is serious. For the love of God, if you really care about this nation, you must e-mail Fox right away and demand that they never show such things on Prime Time. I've never been so seriously shocked by cable news. First of all, John Gibson began the segment by making erotic noises and complimenting Danny Bonaduce's body, ON THE AIR. And as if we weren't all troubled enough by that, he ended the segment by showing a picture of lumpy muscles on a sweaty, semi-nude male body with this big scary head super-imposed on it. So really, it was like SWEATY, NAKED JOHN GIBSON.

Only I should correct myself. His head only ORDINARILY looks big. For things like this John's friends in graphics usually slenderize it for him. You can always tell because John's hair and forehead look extra long and his head looks skinnier that usual. See how they did that?
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